It's the little things...

Yesterday I saw a student on crutches stop to open the door for a student carrying an armful of food.

Today I had the best volunteering experience, and we were just raking leaves. The woman we were helping was so sweet and worked with us. She said she had tried to contact Winona State first, but nobody ever got back to her. Meanwhile, I called her back the same day she called us and had a whole group of students the next day. If that doesn't show those good SMU lasallian values at work, I don't know what does.

I love it here :)

October break

I am finally going on a S.O.U.L. trip! It's nice that they offer smaller ones over October break in addition to the February break trips.

I didn't realize this trip would involve actually camping out in tents until yesterday, so I'mnot as excited as I could be. I'm trying to keep an open mind though. It's a brand new service experience for me; it will even be significantly different from the Biloxi trip freshman year. I'll also have a great chance to meet some new people and hang out with some pretty cool people I already know.

I am a little upset that I'm not relaxing over break, especially since next weekend is an editing weekend and I'm already feeling very overwhelmed. Again though, I'm trying to keep an open mind. I'm sure it will be a fun experience, and I'm positive it will be a unique opportunity that I will be happy with taking advantage of. I won't be able to do something quite like this after May. This is a chance to get away from classes, meetings, technology, and my usual group of friends in order to learn more about the world around me and learn more about the environment.

I think that as long as I don't feel too cold (it's supposed to be pretty bad this weekend), I should be fine.

On a separate note, I've realized that I am still not comfortable giving my opinion of what it means to be Lasallian. I know that I have an answer, but I don't feel confident enough giving that answer on the spot... especially with a group of people listening to my answer. I also learned that I don't appreciate being made to feel inferior for not giving an answer. I took on this mission of sorts for senior year with the idea that I can take my time and really take it all in. It is a personal desire of mine to gain as deep an understanding as possible of the Lasallian mission so that I can continue to incorporate it into my life after graduation. It's easy enough to do here at Saint Mary's, where Lasallian activities and services are planned for me. The real challenge is to be able to take it with me to use on my own once I leave SMU.

I have a feeling this S.O.U.L. trip is going to help with that understanding...

Discernment

Today was the third meeting of the discernment group, and I realized I have not yet blogged about discerning.

At the first meeting, we talked about what discernment is and thought about what we want to get out of the group. I decided it will be an opportunity to talk about my options without feeling any added pressure, and it would give me specific time to think about life after graduation (not that I don't think about it enough already).

At the second meeting, we further explored what discernment is and all the different aspects of discernment.

Tonight we thought about our lives. We had 20 minutes to map out timelines of our lives. I learned that my whole life seems to revolve in some way around school. I think about time in terms of what grade I was in. My biggest events include starting preschool, kindergarten, high school and college; graduating middle school and high school; playing school sports and any big moments involved in that); going to state in speech; going to Biloxi; deciding to graduate early; and joining all of the activities I am currently involved in. I actually had to go back and fill in other things I had forgotten about. My life revolves around school, and after May 8th I won't be a student anymore. Naturally, this makes me a little nervous.

On the other hand, it makes me really excited. In just over seven months, I'll be a part of the "real world" and will have no choice but to experience really meaningful things. I'll have new opportunities and new "big" moments.

I'm almost relieved I haven't figured out my plans for the future yet. How can I determine what I want to do with my life after school when everything I do is somehow rooted in school?

I'm really starting to think more about my faith, how I can serve God when I am no longer just handed opportunities to do so, social justice, and what's really going to be important in my life. I'm more convinced than ever that I want to volunteer for a year or two after graduation. I love the idea of fully dedicating myself to service for a while and keeping that a priority in my life. I like that it would give me time to re-evaluate my life against standards other than the school-based ones I've always used.

I'm ready for the focus of my life to be on something other than materialism, success, and pride.

"Romero" and social justice

We watched the movie Romero in LCT (Lasallian Core Traditions) this week. It is based on the true story of Archbishop Oscar Romero, who was assassinated in 1980. He was the archbishop in El Salvador during a time of major political unrest, and throughout the movie he transformed from an obedient, quiet priest who was lost in his books to an outspoken, passionate advocate for the poor and oppressed people in his country. He didn't let threats on his life keep him from speaking out for those who would not be heard themselves.

It was an inspiring movie, but it left me feeling uncomfortable and ashamed. I know I am extremely lucky to live the life I do, and I know that I could probably go do something to help those truly struggling and suffering, but I also know that I probably would never put myself in danger to do so. I just find it very hard to consider leaving my comfort zone to do some real good, especially if it would put me in harm's way.

I tried to reassure myself by thinking about ways I can do good with less of a risk. I can volunteer locally more, and I can even travel within the United States to volunteer. I could write about issues such as the situation in El Salvador at the time to raise awareness.

That's actually where I get the most uncomfortable. I'm just not satisfied with simply raising awareness. I feel like it's a cop-out to tell someone, "here's a problem, now you go fix it." I feel almost irresponsible knowing these problems exist and not doing anything to eliminate them. I guess I don't know exactly what I can do, but I know it wouldn't be too hard to find out if I just tried.

I guess I struggle with the idea of sacrifice and service beyond a couple hours of volunteering every month. I know that we are supposed to help the poor, but does that mean that living a life of comfort is wrong?

My mission for senior year

I have been asked a lot about how I feel about graduating a year early. Some people expect that I am excited to get on with my life and get out of here, and some people expect that I might feel I'll be missing out by finishing college in three years.

I guess I feel a little bit of everything. I'm excited to be graduating with my closest friends. I'm anxious about being out in the "real world." I'm sad that I won't be back at Saint Mary's next year. I know I'm going to miss the community and all of my activities. I even feel a little sense of panic when I think about all of the things I want to do here while I have the chance. I still have not gone sledding down the sledding hill, I haven't tried cross country skiing yet, I haven't gone to the apple orchard, and I haven't run the Fall Frolic. I actually have a whole list of things I plan to do this year as part of the SMU "experience."

The newest addition to my list (well, almost newest... I was reminded yesterday that I have not yet gone frolfing) is to figure out what it really means to be Lasallian. I actually think I feel strongest about this particular goal. I do not want to leave Saint Mary's University without having a good, clear idea of what it means to be Lasallian.

This is a Lasallian school, and I've found that there are many aspects of the university that reflect that, but I can't confidently say that I have it figured out just yet. I didn't even know SMU was Lasallian until I got here, and I only knew that it somehow was supposed to make my experience here different.

In freshman year LCT (Lasallian Core Traditions class) I learned about St. John Baptist de La Salle, but that still didn't help me much. Now that I am a senior (not to mention that there has been a recent push to talk about being Lasallian more), I really feel the need to explore it and figure out just what the Lasallian tradition of Saint Mary's has done for me. It has definitely changed the way I see the world and the way I react to things.

This blog will be my chance to sort through it all as I get closer to the big day. I have a feeling I'm going to get a lot more out of my last year here than I did in the first two years combined.